Hi, I haven’t used my Tumblr lately and I would like to take this opportunity to introduce myself to my lovely followers- which I have virtually none of, but no matter! I don’t have friends in real life so it’s not like it makes a difference! I don’t understand why I don’t have friends, though! I’m like, the coolest person I know! And I have a big nose so I can easily smell anything so I can probably save your life from poisoning someday. You should thank me. I was blessed with my nose.
Anyway. I follow this girl around and her friends, they’re so cool I want to be just like them. She’s the coolest ever- her name is Sue Ahn and her birthday is on June 1st. She’s fifteen right now. As you can see, in my free time I like to research and stalk her because like I said before I want to be just like her one day. Anyway, I am an avid bird-watcher. I watch birds because I know that one day I will be with them! I obviously am a bird and I’m just waiting for Santa to come and give me my wings like he promised that day when I had a date on his lap at the mall. He seemed kind of disconcerted when I notified him that I was Jewish, but I’m sure it was just a trick of the light. I’ll get my wings one day. I will! And I will fly over New York City going to the bathroom whenever I want to and sleep wherever I fancy without paying any rent. The prime life, I tell you! Saving money and getting what you want? Perfect. Absolutely perfect.
I like money. I like smelling it and I have a blanket made out of money. I collect pennies. I never use money, it’s so much better to just have it instead of give it away. I don’t get it. Why do you even need to spend money? Why can’t that stupid fat man in the local Mom&Pops just give me whatever I want out of the kindness of his heart? Why does he need stupid green bills in trade for whatever I decide I want from his tiny redneck shop? That racist. He probably knows the passion and love I have for my pennies and bills and wants to make me miserable, taking my babies away from me. I’ll catch him one day, plotting my demise. I’ll catch him.
I have a brother. He kind of looks like Jesus. In fact, I think he is Jesus. My family’s probably saying we’re Jewish to hide the fact that we have the reincarnation of Jesus in our family. Then people would be all over our door trying to take a look at his face. When in reality they should be looking and worshipping mine- quite personally, I think I have the better genes in the family. Really, who cares if he’s the doppleganger of Jesus? I’m the beaut here. BOW DOWN TO ME.
I like peeing in jacuzzis a lot. And the best part about it is that the idiots next to me think it’s the jacuzzi regulating its temperature. HA yeah right. The stupid bimbos are swimming and drinking my pee without even knowing it. I HAVE MARKED MY TERRITORY- THEY WILL ONE DAY BOW DOWN TO ME AND BE MY SLAVES! HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Um. I think I’m the reincarnation of Voldemort. I have slits for my nostrils. It’s really weird. But I hide it under the mountain of my nose so people really never notice. Wow, my parents must have super eggs & semen. To have Jesus and Voldemort in the same family. Whoa. That’s cool. Sometimes I get the urge to take a stick and scream AVADA KEDAVRA at everybody, but then I’d go to jail so I resist the urge. When I get that urge I stroke my nose and then it all goes back to normal. It’s like my nose has a mind of its own- an evil, Voldemort-like mind. Maybe my nose is a Horcrux. Maybe.
I named my iPhone Poopy. I think Poopy is such a great name. I mean, where would we be without poop? Where would I be without my iPhone? Probably a lot of places. Well, not really. I just use it for a toy because I never get any texts. I’m too much of a loser for people to texts me, apparently. But I know that they’re wrong! I’m just too awesome for everybody. One day I’ll crap in everyone’s faces and then they’ll regret it. They’ll RUE THE DAY they called me weird. As if eating my salad with salsa is weird. It’s not. Pft.
Okay. Well. Um. I like touching soft things. They’re just so… soft. Hahahahahaha.
Okay I’m gonna go scratch my butthole now. It’s itchy.